After one year I have decided to reflect upon whether or not I have fulfilled the original mission of this blog. Perhaps I have in some ways, and an in other ways maybe I have not. I hope that as I continue to write this blog, I will be able to continue to raise awareness about male infertility.
At this time one year ago, I was taking 100 mg of Clomid a day. By this time the emotional side effects of the Clomid had taken their toll. Some have likened it to a man acting like a woman who was going through PMS. I found myself getting emotional at things that otherwise would not have affected me. Neither my wife or me had permanent employment which only further strained our marriage and made our future look all the more bleak. I felt worthless being childless and jobless. I had no idea how we were ever going to be able to build a family. Nonetheless, I still had hope that something was going to work out. Given the situation with my sperm count, which was nonexistent, we immediately decided to embark upon what I like to call the nuclear option of fertility treatments: IVF. We had no idea how we were going to do this. I can remember thinking to myself that I would never want to be an adoptive parent. I remember crying at the possibility that I would never see my wife pregnant. I remember going so far as to say that I would carry the child myself if I could! I wanted to be a biological father in the worst way. I remember the arguments we would have over various family building options. I remember one particularly bad argument where I wanted to pursue a donor embryo. With the donor embryo, you're adopting but get to experience all of the symptoms of a regular pregnancy complete with a baby bump. Upon hearing that this was an option I can remember crying tears of happiness. Thought to myself how wonderful it will be if we can do adopt and still get to have a pregnancy. I was looking forward to being able to take maternity pictures with my wife and show them off on Facebook along with ultrasound photos. Eventually I capitulated and decided to forgo the possibility of a donor embryo. Things have gotten so bad at one point I had people telling me that I was lazy and did not want to work. I had people that indirectly suggested I was not cut out to be a parent. I was crushed! Things actually got so bad that my wife and me separated for two days. I can only say that I was under the influence of Clomid at the time.
Eventually things got a little better. I finally got a job and after much prayer and thought we decided it would be better if we adopted. Upon deciding to adopt I thought that I would be mourning the death of a biological child I will never have. Thankfully, I was not sad. We had such a peace about adopting that there was never any sorrow about having to forgo fertility treatments.
The months after that were spent deciding on what we should do with respect to adoption. We had a lot of work to do as far as research. Are we to adopt internationally, domestically, or adopt through foster care. Those were some pretty rough months but by January 2014 we had finally settled on an agency and commenced the homestudy a couple months after that.
I am grateful to God that a year later things are 110% better than they were a year ago. Yes we are still childless, but I've got steady employment, we have an adoption agency and the homestudy is done. I am off Clomid and in a great place emotionally and spiritually. We have applied for adoption grants. We are at a point now where we know there's not much else we can do but wait. I am amazed at the progress that we've made in just one year. I can only give the glory to God for this amazing progress.
One of the reasons I haven't posted here in a while is because there hasn't been that much happening. The only news that I have to share other than the fact that our homestudy was approved is that I have applied for grants to fund our adoption. We are waiting to hear back about these grants and whether or not we will receive any money. If we can't qualify for any grants, then interest-free loans will be the next thing we try to seek. As a last resort I will apply for an unsecured loan through my credit union. I hope I do not to have to apply for any more loans that carry interest. I am trying to minimize financial strain as much as possible as we build our family.
I want to thank all of you that have visited and continue to read my blog. Your loyalty means a great deal to me. Please continue to spread the word about this blog. And please do not hesitate to reach out to me with any questions or comments.