This last week, I have been more optimistic than usual. I fly up to Sacramento for a job interview Friday and I am really hoping that I ultimately land the position. I really want to move there. Not only would I be able to re-enter my old line of work (government/political stuff), but I might actually be able to own a home. I have such a peace about moving away from Southern California. I have lived here my whole life but perhaps my "promised land" is up north. I want to own a home not only for my family's financial future, but I want my daughter to have the same upbringing I had growing up. I want her to have a backyard in which to play. I have looked at a few houses online and I can already picture my little girl with her own sandbox or playhouse in the backyard. I can see myself taking her on a walk to the park where I push her on the swings. I looked at some of the home prices, and it brought tears of happiness to my eyes (literally!!). It gave me hope. I love Ventura County, but it is just too darn expensive to live here anymore. In Thousand Oaks, we have a median income of $100,000/year ( I am well below that!!), and the prices for houses are just too expensive! It's messed up!!! With my education ( BA, MA, and Teaching Credential!!) and background ( I did not just enter to work force yesterday), I should have way more earning power than I do. Part of my IF journey is becoming more financially stable so that I can afford treatments and provide a good home for my family. Ventura County is just not the same place anymore. I fear I can't give my daughter the same upbringing I had if we stay around. I envision a bright future up near Sacramento where we own a home, I have a steady career, my wife is bringing home some money, and we can finally become parents. I am glad to see my wife is excited too! She wants what I want. I want to give her a house and a child. I don't seek glory for myself. My house would be a place to use for hospitality, a place to use to bless others. It would be a wonderful, safe place where my daughter and I can spend time playing together and loving each other as every parent and child should. It would not be a status symbol. I would take good care of it, but not become obsessed with it. My self interest is not served by becoming a parent, rather being a parent would force me to become a better person. Much like marriage, it would force me to die to myself and love sacrificially. I believe that leading a family makes you better than you are. I want this experience because one day I also dream of being in Elder/Overseer in my church. Leading a family and household gives you practice doing that kind of work because you are the provider and spiritual leader of your home. All men should learn to manage their home, love their wife and child sacrificially, and shepherd their spiritual growth. If you can do these things well, you can manage God's church. Aside from that, as the man of the house I am commanded to do these things! What I find even more amazing is that I want to do them! I love being a husband and running a household. To me being a successful family man and serving God is more important than career success.
I am nervous about my upcoming doctor appointment on Thursday afternoon. I used to like going to the urologist because it meant I was taking action and advancing in the battle against infertility. After the last appointment, I now get nervous. Will I ask the right questions? Will I remember all the information I am given? I am happy that my wife will be with me this time because I need her for emotional support. When it comes to using their DVDs and magazines to produce a sample, I have decided that we need to produce our own material at home (sorry if that is TMI) rather than use what they have at the clinic (pornography can be such a snare if you are not careful). The times I was forced to use what they had, I was conflicted about it. It took me awhile to muster up the courage to ask my wife if she will help me produce material; I don't like to make her do anything she is not comfortable with doing. She agreed to help. She does not want me looking at their material anymore than I do. Perhaps this will mitigate some of the nervous feelings I have going into my appointment. I am sure I am overacting. I did some research to prepare questions to ask my doctor. As I was researching, I got nervous and started to cry. My wife consoled me (I love it when she hugs me standing up while I am sitting down). She told me everything would be fine and she will be with me so I need not fear.
When I think of what might be if I get a job in Sacramento, I get excited. I am motivated and hopeful. My sadness over IF is dissipated. To me, moving there would mean we are closer to being parents. It means realizing the dream of having a house in which to raise my daughter. I hope that my doctor appointment doesn't make me so upset that it kills my chances of performing well on Friday. That is one of my fears and I hope that I am able to mitigate any sadness or anger I might feel after the appointment.